Sleeping Through

Why can't I sleep through the night? We put so much emphasis on getting our kids to, but surely the point is that we don't want them to wake us up. 

Selfish? Perhaps. I don't care if it is - sleep is important to me. Really fucking important. I can't remember the last time I got a full night's sleep. 

But my sleep-depriving enemy is no longer my child, it's Little Miss Bladder.

This is the conversation I have with her every frickin night...

Oh god, not again. Why can't you sleep through?

It's OK, go back to sleep.
Don't wake me up properly.
Don't make me get up.
Just lie still and go back to sleep.

If I ignore you I can get back to sleep.
(Don't look at the clock)
If I get up now I'll wake everyone else up.
(Definitely don't look at the clock)
If I do, and it's too close to when I normally get up, I'll never get back to sleep. My mind will fill with everything I need to do today and then that's it. Game over.

If I get up now...
1. I'll have to do that thing where I creep about slowly with my eyes half open, in the dark, not putting any lights on, and you know that's dangerous near the top of the stairs.
2. I'll have to do my special dance across the landing like El Macho in Despicable Me, avoiding the creaky floorboards, so I don't disturb anyone else
3. I'll have to decide if it's better to flush and risk waking everyone, or leave it and allow them to confront my wee in their half awake state.

You can do this Bladder. Holding it together is what you're all about. In fact you're a role model for others. You're normally so strong. Or you used to be.

Remember that time on the motorway when the traffic was so slow, so I sang to the radio, and you made me dance in my seat, wiggling from bum cheek to bum cheek because somehow that helped you. We were in it together and you didn't let me down.

Remember we've been through labour together too... No that wasn't you that 'leaked'. That was that pesky cervix neighbour of yours who opened up too soon and then made me feel like I was constantly weeing for the last two weeks of my pregnancy. YOU were brilliant.

Stay strong now darling. You can do it. Let's just not think about it. I'll turn over slowly and we can forget you ever even stirred. .

No, now don't start that. Don't threaten to turn on the water works to get what you want.

Oh fuck it, come on then.

Eyes closed. El Macho landing dance. Still DONT LOOK at the clock.

Bladder, you're a bitch sometimes. But I'm glad I've got you. And actually I'm glad you wake me up rather than the alternative.

So, just like a small child waking me in the night, I love you and I'm happy to get up to answer your cries.

I just wish you had a snooze button.