Eyes

"Eyes are the window of the soul"
My soul must be frigging knackered.

So why doesn't this soul get some more sleep?
Because it owns an Unbalanced brain that won't shut the fuck up about all the things it really needs to do today.

Brain: You've not read all those papers for that meeting tomorrow...
You really need to sort out selling your car before the MOT runs out...
Those pictures you bought 3 weeks ago are still leaning against the window...
Actually this whole house is a shit hole...
And you've not done any washing...
Do you realise you've not hit your 10,000 steps or 5 a day once this week. You'd better get outside at some point...
And buy fruit...
And you'd better do something nice with your child today because you're going to London for 2 days and won't see him....
And the cats need fleaing...

Soul: Fuck off brain. Give me a break. Can't you see how busy I am carrying these bags under my eyes?

Brain: Oh yes I most certainly can. You'd better go shopping and buy some Touche Eclat. You can't go to London looking like THAT.

Soul: f$•%*@wg~s

(My soul also has a foul mouth.)

Weird compliments

I have been complimented on two parts of my body that I've never thought of as compliment-able. I'm feeling quite smug.

They are my eyebrows and my cervix. Yep, I'm surprised too.

1. I have excellent eyebrows, just like Cara Delevigne apparently. I'm "so lucky" because others pay a fortune for high definition brow work.

Until recently I never knew that brows where something people even noticed, unless left to form a Gallagher-esque mono-brow.

Mine have only ever been a disappointment to me that I can't move them independently and give people that one raised eyebrow what-the-fuck?-face. How I covet that skill.

2. My second unexpected body brilliance is my 'obedient cervix'. I have been told this twice so I know it's a fact.

At a smear test I was told that most cervixes hide away and make it difficult to perform the test. But mine is 'well behaved' and pops straight into view. As if saying, "Hey there visitor. Welcome. Swab me? Of course. You're welcome."

So while they both might seem weird to me, if someone is handing out a body compliment I will take it. With relish.

And next time I admire another woman's pert bum or her ability to move gracefully into downward dog, I will not chastise myself.

I will think, "Her body is great. I've got *naturally* high definition eyebrows and an extrovert cervix, so yay both of us."

Past your prime

Signs you may be Past Your Prime

1. People more than a decade younger than you complain that they are getting old.

2. You get excited when you realise you have absolutely no plans for the next weekend.

3. You have to put your glasses on to pluck a hair out... of your chin!

4. People remake your favourite TV shows, films and music (and you are sure they are not as good you the original)

5. You make clothing decisions insisting, this is comfy AND stylish.

6. You talk to colleagues about really famous bands from your party days and they say 'who's that?'.

7. You wonder why someone asks "Are you OK?" when you stand up, and realise you groaned and put your hand on your back. But you're not even in pain.

8. Someone suggests you get involved in a roller blading party for kids, and you mentally scan your calendar to think what you'd miss if you ended up in plaster (or if a broken limb could be the perfect way to get out of something you don't want to do).

9. You have finally learned that you have a drinking limit, and it's possible to stop before you get totally shit-faced. (Who knew?)

10. Within an hour of getting up you're already thinking about what time you can go to bed.

Tapas Mum

Since going to see the film 'Bad Moms' I've been thinking about which stereotype of the mums I most relate to. Stay at Home Mum; Working Mum; Single Mum; Yummy Mummy etc etc. 

I've decided none of them sound quite right for me. So how about a new one... 

The Tapas Mum.

I've come to the conclusion that I've never 'wanted it all' as the phrase goes to describe those who want a perfect family, great career and to be a permanent Goddess in the bedroom and the kitchen. I've never quite believed in that!

I do like the idea of having just a taste of each though. A little bit of everything. Like choosing Tapas, instead of a massive portion of everything.

For example:

• I don't need to be a high-flying, top of my organisation, cracking-through-the-glass-ceiling role model career woman.
  But I do want a job that I enjoy and that I feel I'm pretty good at.
• I don't need to be perfectly turned out in full make-up and 4 inch heels whenever I leave the house.
  But I do want to feel good when I go out to nice places.
• I don't need a perfectly presented show home and a manicured lawn.
  But I do like to be able to relax down in the evenings without spearing my bum on a pile of toys or yogurt-smeared cushions.
• I don't expect to have weekly meet ups with my girls for cocktails, dinner and dancing.
  But I do enjoy the occasional chance to get together with a friend or two for a brew or a shit-load of wine.
• I don't need a pre-planned date night and a massive bunch of flowers delivered on a whim.
  But I do appreciate the times we get to go out and be a couple in a kid-free / no judgement, adult environment.
• I don't expect my kid to be an Olympic-level athlete, mastermind of science or musical prodigy.
  But I do want him to have nice manners, have enough confidence to have a go at stuff and laugh a lot.
• I am never EVER going to be Nigella Lawson, in cooking skills or body confidence.
  But I will occasionally make a nice family meal that tastes half decent and give my husband a snog by the sink. Sexy!
• I most certainly don't bake delicious pastries for the school summer fayre.
  But I do show up, donate a load of supermarket-bought chocolate for the tombola, and happily hand over every coin in my purse for the lucky dip. I even buy and eat the cakes that other people have made (that's really not a chore, I really love the school fayre!)

Being a Tapas Mum is pretty great. So what do you say... can we create a new stereotype?

No make-up?

Oh dear. I've just had to have a word with myself!

I read this article about people's reactions to Alicia wearing no make-up to a red carpet event and I had 3 thoughts within a split second...

1. Good for her
2. How dare people judge her
3. I couldn't do it. Surely she could have got away with some mascara!!

And it's the last one that shocked me. Why do I feel like that? Who set the rule that I feel I have to follow?

Now first of all, let's be clear. I don't go to red carpet events very often. OK, ever. And actually I'm not a big make-up wearer at the best of times. But there are days when I feel I NEED to wear it.

Last night for example. I had a hospital appointment at 7pm. I was working at home during the day so it was scruffy clothes and bare face. But I felt the need to slap a bit on to go to see a doctor. For fucks sake, why?

I remember thinking, "I look rough". So foundation, mascara, lipstick and suddenly I feel ready. Ready for what? Did I think the doctor would give me different test results if I look less rough??

Of course it's ridiculous.

And yet, tomorrow when I go to London to a big meeting, I will definitely wear make-up because I do feel more confident when I feel I look nicer.

Is that wrong?

I totally support any woman's decision to go make-up free or to contour the fuck out of their face. Whatever makes you happy. Men too.

I am questioning why people even need to talk about it. Why do people feel the need to support or condone Alicia by commenting on Twitter. Is the point she's making that it's not important what anyone else thinks?

I don't know. Ultimately I don't care. My test results were all clear, so clearly wearing make-up worked for me!

http://indy100.independent.co.uk/article/alicia-keys-didnt-wear-makeup-to-the-vmas-and-got-publicly-shamed-for-it--WJQOIng57dW

Pay it forward

A waitress in Wagamama just made me cry!
To clarify: it was in a good way with a really lovely act of kindness.

I've been shopping in the Trafford Centre which has one of those massive dining areas with lots of fast food options round the edge. I really didn't fancy a McDonalds or a Spud-u-Like, or fighting for a seat, or being glared at for taking up a table for 4 when it's just me. You get the picture. So I decided to treat myself and go to Wagamama. I love their food and their smoothies and it was relatively quiet. But usually I find eating alone takes a bit of courage, or at least a book to hide behind!

I was feeling brave enough but once seated I started to feel that self-conscious urge to get my phone out so I don't have to look at anyone or acknowledge my lone-eater status.

Then I decided not to give in to that uncomfortable tradition. Instead to be confident and just really enjoy my food and surroundings. And I really did. It was kind of liberating to just relax and smile and think for a while, and not care about anyone else.

When it came time to pay my bill I got talking to my waitress about eating alone and how she also tends to hide behind a laptop or a book. I told her about this blog, where I talk about worrying less and me trying not to care what other people think so much. She was so supportive and said that she'd have a look at the blog and that she'd like to pay for my meal.

I was absolutely gobsmacked!! You hear about these lovely acts of kindness but now it's happened to me it made me tear up.

I went back to her as I was leaving and thanked her again and she said, no problem just pay it forward.

So then I've been finishing my shopping and wondering how to do that. How could I pay that kindness foward. Eventually the answer felt obvious, to find another woman eating on her own, congratulate her for having the confidence to enjoy a meal for one, and buy her lunch for her.

So that's what I've just done. And a lovely lady called Christine in Yo Sushi was kind enough to accepted my gesture. (I should add that approaching a woman on her own and offering to buy her lunch is also a tad nerve wracking!! I hope you weren't too frightened by me Christine!)

She's agreed that she will also pay it forward to another lone-eater. I hope she does, and I hope whoever that lady is will feel how I feel right now... That as Unbalanced as we may all be sometimes, women (and men!) are usually kind and supportive of each other. Whether it's a random act of kindness, a compliment or just a simple smile, we can really make someone's day.

So here's to enjoying a meal for one. And here's to all the wonderful people out there who've created a random act of kindness. I'm looking at you Liz, my lovely Wagamama waitress. Thank you!!

If you've been involved in a Random Act of Kindness or Pay It Forward type of thing, I'd love to hear about it. Please tell me.

UPDATE: Christine got in touch! 

" I was the lucky recipient of lunch!!!! I was so touched by the gesture - it really really made my day!! It was great to meet you and thank you once again. I paid the act of kindness forward and bought a mum and son on the next counter an afternoon tea cakey treat. They were as thrilled as I was and promised to keep the chain going. Thanks again - you were a little ray of sunshine for me today xx "

What a lovely day.

Starting School

My top tips for parents with kids starting school.

You've done all the practical stuff and your little one is ready their first day at school. But this is just the beginning, and YOU need to be prepared for what comes next.

Here are a few things I wasn't expecting:

1. Uniform and shoe destruction
Treasure those cheesy photos of your kid's first day at school (mandatory that they are standing by a door - why is that?). Soon you'll look back and realise that was the last time your kid looked remotely smart.

School uniforms seem to soak up everything. By the first half term those clothes will be stained, stretched, washed-out colours and may have the odd hole. And if you have a boy who keeps the same shoes for more than a term you have my respect. Fuck knows what they do in the playground but it destroys leather.

2. Kids can't remember ANYTHING
You'll be desperate to hear about their day but don't be surprised if after a few days, your kid (who you usually can't shut up), decides that their only response to all questions is "I can't remember", even when they are still within the fucking school gates.

They may remember what they had for lunch.
That's all you get.

3. You need to remember EVERYTHING
You'd better have a good memory or a good note-taking system because on the rare occasions your kids do tell you about their day  they expect you to remember every detail.

There's an army of people now at the centre of their universe that you have never met. As well as their Teacher and around 30 kids you could hear stories about the Head, Deputy, Teaching Assistants, lunch time supervisors, people who come in to do sports activities, people who come in to hear readers and all sorts more. You will not have a frigging clue who is who. Just smile and nod.

Then throw in remembering when they need a PE kit, a costume, a prize for the raffle, money for Children in Need, blah blah blah, and your brain may start to spin.

You won't be alone. The playground is full of parents working out how they can make an acceptable Easer Bonnet from things they can find in their kitchen drawer, before the parade happens at 11 o'clock. We're all in this together. It's fine.

4. Your new weekend schedule
Parents struggle to establish a clear etiquette for who to invite to their kid's birthday party, and many resort to inviting the whole class. Yes, it's not only teachers who have to cope with 30 little angels, you do too. And at parties they add sugar!

There are so many of these parties you may start to say that classic cliche of "My kids have a better social life than I do!" and then cry into your Chuckle Chimps Play Centre coffee cup when you realise that it's not just a saying, it's the fucking truth.

5. Biff and Chip
These are characters in a very common reading scheme. You must NOT giggle at the innuendo of character names when your child is earnestly concentrating on phonetic domination.

Whilst you can revel in the magic of your kid learning to read (and it is magic, because English words just don't follow the rules), it's OK to acknowledge the mind numbing boredom you may feel when you child brings home 29 books in a row where the most exciting thing to happen is 'Pat ran' and 'Sam sat'.

6. Labelling EVERYTHING
Once you've labelled everything they wear you can be nice an smug. No way suckers! There's always more.

Taking in 'show and tell' stuff, a costume for the Christmas play, a cake tin filled with 'home baked' goods for the Summer fair, etc etc. If you want it to come back you have to label it.

Get some sticky labels and a permanent marker and learn to write on very small things in very small writing. If you've given your kids long names, this is where you'll start shortening them.

7. A house full of 'Art'
If you thought baby toys had ruined your beautiful adult house, get ready for this shit storm of craft-based crap. They glue, write, draw and model most days, and the best if it gets stapled to a classroom display, while the rest is brought home to you, full of pride and a desire to turn every wall and surface of your home into a gallery of their masterpieces.

They also get school projects that you, yes you, have to help them with. And school encourage you to 'be as creative as you like'. Brilliant if you are a crafty type. Sheer, glue-filled hell if you are not.

My advice. Get a big box, call it a 'special school memories box' and dump all that shit straight in there. Perhaps in a couple of years you can look back at it with teary emotions, or just laugh at the memory of how a stick with a piece of string cellotaped to it's middle was supposed to represent their favourite character from a book. If only either of you could remember which book. Very unlikely it was Biff or Chip anyway.