The Christmas 'Denial Diet'

From 25 November:
"It's socially *expected* to accept any festive treats offered at work / a friend's / on supermarket displays."

Christmas nights out:
"It's actually rude to diet at a party and I'll probably dance off 2000 calories anyway."

24 December:
"Sod it. We're officially celebrating now."

25 December:
"I'm going to explode.... ooooh cheese!"

26 December:
"My family will be offended if I don't eat a bit of everything they offer / on this buffet table."

27 December:
"I can't be arsed cooking, let's get a take away."

28 December:
"I look like Jabba. Just salad from now on. Oh, but these mince pies go out of date tomorrow. We can't just throw food away."

29/30 December:
"Fuck it. I'll start a diet in the new year."

31 December:
"Final binge. Let's go out in style!"

1 January:
"I feel so rough... Only a bacon sandwich / McDonalds will cure me."

Dry January:

"Well if I'm not drinking, I'm eating cake."

21st Century Christmas Songs

I love Christmas songs, I really do. The carols, the pop songs, the kids songs. Pretty much all of them. So I thought I’d have some fun updating the lyrics of some classics from my Christmas playlist, so they feel more relevant to life as I know it now – as a knackered mother…

1. To the tune of ‘Santa Claus is coming to town’

You better watch out, she might start to cry

Can’t believe all the shit still to buy
We’re all on the Christmas count down

She’s making a list and checking it twice 

Goose fat and cranberry, carrots with spice

We’re all on the Christmas count down

She panics when she’s sleeping

She’ll soon jump wide awake

That present’s not arrived yet

Now she’s screaming “for fuck’s sake!”

Oh, you better watch out, get out of her way

Wrapping and cleaning and swearing all day

We’re all on the Christmas count down.

2. To the tune of ‘Last Christmas’ 

Last Christmas I sent loads of cards

But the postage I paid, just seemed such a waste

This year to save me some time

I’ll just post a pic on Facebook (Facebook) oh oh.

(Merry Christmas) I wrote them all and sent them

With a note saying “Love from…” and I meant it

But now you know, that you won’t get a card

You haven’t pissed me off, I haven’t lost your address.

Last Christmas I sent loads of cards

Now the postage I saved, will not go to waste

This year, to charity sent

So they can do something special (spe-e-cial).

3. Sing this one like Bing 

(Remembering Christmases when I lived with my parents and had no real responsibilities)

I’m dreaming of a boozy Christmas
Just like when I still lived at home
Where my mum did the shopping
So there’d be no stopping,
My after-work drinks and late night discos

I’m dreaming of a drunk Christmas

Before I had kids of my own

May your children sleep right through the niiiight

And may all your hangovers be light. 

4. And finally…
This is a real modern day Christmas song by my favourite comedian, Tim Minchin. I listen to this every year and it gets me every time.

It’s a beautiful song about his love of Christmas because it’s when his family comes together in Australia. Listen to the words (and maybe grab a tissue if you’re as sentimental as me!)…

https://youtu.be/fCNvZqpa-7Q

Whether you celebrate Christmas in the snow or the sun

Whether you are a dad, a sister, a brother, a mum

Whether you believe in Jesus or just the family traditions…

I hope your Christmas is magical, fun, sentimental and filled with love.

And perhaps Unbalanced for all the good reasons!

Merry Christmas xxx